I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
