When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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