So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
