blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
