there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
