I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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