I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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