I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.