I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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