I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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