Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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