I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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