tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
