Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
