dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today