Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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