If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
