Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
