I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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