would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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