I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
