i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
tell me about the fingering
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