i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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