She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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