that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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