Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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