i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
