so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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