its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
