sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
