I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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