This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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