you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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