I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
