fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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