I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
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got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
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Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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