I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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