I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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