Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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