Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
