You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
