A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
