I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She bit a glass in half.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
