listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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