last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
