I'm drive I can fine osifer
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
