You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
