Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
