im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
