I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Holy shit dude........stairs
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