I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
