apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
