Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
