consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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