That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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