help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
not ubering you a puppy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
