The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
