Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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