Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize