I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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